LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! SLEEP SLEEP DEATH! </rant>

*The following is a rant/bitch session. The author realizes that he is, in fact, better off than 90% of all Arsians. However, Arsians should realize that nearly all are better off than 90% of the people on earth, and they're allowed to bitch, so if they want to bitch about the author's right to bitch, they should take their candy asses elsewhere. <BR><BR>**If the first link below doesn't work for you, imagine a bunch of people running around in the woods acting out a fantasy game and tossing pieces of paper that represent the spells "Lightningbolt", "Sleep", and "Death".<BR><BR><BR>I have a job. This doesn't make me unique among tech workers, but the fact that I aquired it recently does make my story different from many, and I am certainly thankful for that. (that I have a job, not that you don't) Friends often ask me "Calvin, what is your job?" (real life s/Calvin/Devon), and I don't know quite how to answer. Why? Well, my boss (boss K) has a vision in his mind of what I am going to do. My boss's boss (boss M) has a different vision of what I am going to do. My boss's other boss (boss T, co-boss with boss M of boss K) didn't really know I existed until recently. My boss's boss's boss (boss N) wasn't really sure of my job, but he was pretty pissed that people didn't agree. Given the coming "redeployment" (a.k.a. Voluntary Separation a.k.a. lay-offs) this doesn't bode well for me, but I figure even with 7% cut in work force, I have a 93% chance of being untouched. (I think I'll make it through ok, though)<BR><BR>So my primary role is undefined, but I do have several secondary roles. One of them is "Gate Keeper of CPU and Chipset Test Programs", or "GateKeeper" for short. "GateKeeper" sounds like a cool job. Indeed, if this were Ghost Busters, I would be a powerful person, and if this were Dungeons and Dragons I would be grant all sorts of special powers. +3 to attacks, +4 saving throws, 50% magic resistance when defending my Gate. But then I would be living in This World, and not the real one. No, in the real world, I am viewed as a Speed Bump to a great deal of people who routinely throw code at me that would have earned me an "F" in college.<BR><BR>I am a seasoned CPU Gatekeeper, but had not yet done it for chipsets, and today came my "trial by fire". I call it that because the process takes 2-3 hours (if all goes well), and I was told yesterday I would be given a request this morning. That would have been fine, but it didn't come this morning, it came at 3 this afternoon (I started work at 6:30 AM), which made the woman who was teaching me (co-worker J) the intricacies of gate keeping extremely irate. Well, we started, and about an hour in co-worker J noticed that there were 6 items in /main with extension "c9k", and we can't transfer it to the "sacred place" (i.e. the other side of the gate) with more than 1 such item. Well, 5 of these items were Unix soft links to the 6th item, which was the one that was supposed to be there. <BR><BR>Now, I'm no Unix expert, but if there are 5 soft links and one real file, and we can only transfer to "the sacred place" with the one real file, then common sense would dictate to me that we delete the 5 soft links, transfer the program to "the sacred place", and then reconstruct the 5 soft links. Not exactly rocket science. Co-worker J decides that a better course of action would be to call the person who submitted it and lecture them on their rogue soft links, which resulted in two foriegn-born people (from different sides of the world) arguing in broken english about soft links, which drew the attention of boss K and boss N (boss M is on vacation, and boss T was of in his "half" of the division). Mind you, the arguement was over the phone. The other party was <B>UPSTAIRS</B>, and we have <B>FULLY FUNCTIONAL ELEVATORS.</B> It's times like this I wish I lived in that fantasy world, and could cast LIGHTNING BOLT at the people around me.<BR><BR>1 hour later we finish uploading, but something is missing, so I tell co-worker J I am going to go talk with the person face to face, which I do, and I find out how to resolve the problem in 3 minutes, only to return to find co-worker J has gone home for the weekend. <B>GONE THE FUCK HOME!</B> Greeeeat. Luckily, I am saavy enough to finish on my own, at which point I head home, 11 hours after my arrival.<BR><BR>Well, I don't head home, I head to Target (bachelor's best friend) to purchase Cat food. Friskies Sliced Cat Food ($.32/can), actually, because it's the only type my cats will eat. Scratch that. It's the only type my cats will eat and not puke up, which means that, while at Target, I also need to pick up carpet shampoo($3.99) and a Handled Utility Brush($2.99). Oddly enough, they don't sell Friskies cat food at PetCo, because it "Isn't balanced. It's unhealthy for cats". (LIGHTNING BOLT!!!) Well, quite frankly, that's bullshit. Why? I have had 3 cats, fed exclusively on friskies, live past the age of 14. In addtition, I refuse to believe that the superb science-industry melange that rules our world can't produce the dietary equivalent of a mouse for $.32. But back to Target, a place I truely love. <BR><BR>I always said, back when I was a naughty, poor college student stealing music from unfortunate, wealthy record companies and artists, that when I could I would buy music I liked. Well, I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, and so I am purchasing CDs. 6, to be exact. Well, 7, to be more exact, in 6 distinct packages, as you can purchase a two CD set of the <I>ridiculously talented</I> Jill Scott for a mere $13.99. I wind my way to the register, only to be checked out by The Stupidest Cashier, Ever, And Not Ever Like When-You-Tell-Your-Middle School-GirlFriend-You'll-Love-Her-Forever-But-Then-Break-Up-With-Her-Two-Weeks-Later-Because-Shannon-Hit-Puberty-And-Has-Real-Certifiable-All-American-"C"-Cup-Breasts Ever, And Not Ever Like A-Diamond-Is-Forever Ever, But More Like The-Universe-Is-Expanding-Forever Ever, which is to say both that this girl was cosmically stupid, and there may someday be someone more stupid, but it would result in the Universe imploding.<BR><BR>Exhibit A (and B, and C): The woman in front of me, a teacher, was purchasing 120 notebooks (paper-filled, spiral bound, no computer chips. Most of you haven't seen them, but just imagine it). The cashier was ringing them through <B>ONE BY MOTHERFUCKING ONE!!!!</B> Luckily, the good woman infront of me was skilled at educating others (see above), even the chronically stupid, even someone as dumb in the head as this cashier, and she <I>taught</I> her how to scan once, and then ring up 120. (LIGHTNING BOLT!!!) If I had magic powers, I would havbe used them there. Hell, if I had little paper balls, I would have thrown them there. I would chalk it up to inexperience, but I have seen this cashier work my entire time here, which is now 2 months. The cashier then DID NOT apply her new-found knowledge to ringing up 15 containers of markers, 15 containers of chalk, and 15 pairs of scissors (rounded tip). (SLEEP SLEEP!!!) The cashier then did not bat an eye when the total bill was just under $20.00. The Teacher remarked that she thought it was too low, but the cashier simply shrugged it off. I had already been involved in one battle with monumental supidity today, and I certainly wasn't going to start another one with Stupidity of this magnitude, just to get a teacher to shell out more money. (DEATH!!!!) I think the teacher continued to insist the bill was too low, but to be honest I can't remember because my head began to hurt. I think it was because I was trying to to comprehend exactly how stupid this cashier was, but it could be because I hadn't had enough caffiene nor food this day.<BR><BR>As the teacher left, I approached, trying not to make eye contact, fearing this woman to be the Medusa of Stupid. She rang up my order, not using the "multply" trick on my 12 cans of cat food, and proceeded to stack my Brita, my CDs, my carpet shampoo and handled utility brush, and 11 cans of cat food into a Target bag, at which point the bag was about to overflow, and the last can could not fit. So she got a second bag, AND PUT ONLY THE REMAINING CAN OF CAT FOOD IN IT!!! (LIGHTNING BOLT, LIGHTNING BOLT, SLEEP SLEEP DEATH!!!!!!)<BR><BR>I paid, and quickly moved along and restacked my bags so they were remotely evenly loaded.<BR><BR>Taco Bell.<BR><BR>I love Taco Bell. I used to love it, then I hated it because I loved it so much but am on a diet. But then I went to their website and discovered that Taco Bell could in fact be part of my balanced diet as long as I consume only fat-free milk($2.99), low-fat yogurt($.50), and Healthy Choice(2/$5.00, this weed only, no card needed at Albertsons) meals the rest of the day. Oddly enough, that's all I eat otherwise. So I go to Taco Bell, and I get a Zesty Chicken Bowl($2.99) and an Order of Mexi-Nuggets($.99). Mexi-Nuggets are the best food, ever (The Middle School Forever Ever), but I don't think they exist outside of Oregon. Too Bad. Think Tater Tots, with some Zest. As I drive home, stuck in traffic, Ludacris comes on the song with his song "Move (Get out the way)", which I think is simply one of those "I am here, I am badder than you, get out of my way" Rap Songs, but works really well in a traffic jam.<BR><BR>I go the 1.2 miles from Taco Bell to my Apartment in 15 minutes (LIGHTNING BOLT!!!), head up the stairs with my dinner and my 2 remotely balanced Target Bags, and I sit down in front of the TV. The Spork that came with my Zesty Chicken Bowl is malformed. It's like a Spork with a lumpy tumor at the end, like a "Splumpork", or a "Useless Fucking Piece of Shit". This is my second drastically faulty Spork from Taco Bell this week, in three visits (LIGHTNING BOLT!!!). If the superb science-industry melange that rules our world can't produce a quality plastic spork regularly, maybe they can't produce the dietary equivalent of a mouse for $.32. Maybe I owe that PetCo woman an apology. Regardless, my Mexi-Nuggets are cold, but still decent, and my chicken bowl is filling, but not as zesty as I had remembered. I flipped on MTV, mostly because I like Shakira videos, but Shakira wasn't on. Ludacris was. Singing "Move". And guess what? It's about a traffic jam.<BR><BR>Of course, it didn't help me relax, so I came to my computer, and played my newly-bought-and-ripped Norah Jones music, purchased completely on the advice of Mr. Determination, a man I have never met and who has criticized my moderation openly (SLEEP SLEEP DEATH!), but nevertheless a man I respect and would offer a bed (Not my bed, unless I was really drunk, and even then I would insist on over/under) and a warm meal to, were he ever in need of such things. Norah, plus a dash of Jill Scott, combined with this rant, have made everthing all better.<BR><BR>#End Of Rant